Unnecessary Instructions

Exclamation point.

2006-06-30T14:38:00.000-04:00

Place an exclamation point at the end of a statement to indicate strong feeling.

Fortune cookie.

2006-06-29T22:32:00.000-04:00

1. Break in half.
2. Remove paper insert from cookie.
3. Read fortune.
4. (Optional) Turn fortune over. Learn Chinese.
5. (Optional) Eat cookie.

Paperweight.

2006-06-28T15:27:00.000-04:00

Place paperweight directly atop the paper you want to keep in place.

Note: You can place a paperweight atop a stack of papers without fear that the bottommost papers (those furthest beneath the paperweight) will be able to escape. The combined weight of the paperweight and all of the papers above will keep the lower papers in place.

Stamp.

2006-06-27T15:26:00.000-04:00

Congratulations on purchasing a stamp! The Postal Service wants you to get the most out of your investment. Please read the following directions carefully:

Affix your stamp to the top right corner of the front of your envelope. Do not affix your stamp to the inside of the envelope. Your stamp does not have to be affixed at any particular angle. Do not worry if your stamp is not straight.

Straw.

2006-06-26T22:49:00.000-04:00

1. Insert one end of straw into body of liquid to be ingested.
2. Insert unsubmerged end of straw into mouth; close mouth.
3. Inhale through mouth, not nose.
4. Swallow and remove straw from mouth before exhaling.

How to count to ten.

2006-06-25T22:24:00.000-04:00

As follows:
a. 1
b. 2
c. 3
d. 4
e. 5
f. 6
g. 7
h. 8
i. 9
j. 10

Gum.

2006-06-24T23:13:00.000-04:00

1. Chew.
2. When finished chewing, discard or swallow.
DO NOT GET IN HAIR.

How to fall down.

2006-06-23T20:20:00.000-04:00

1. Lean forward.
2. More.
3. More.

How to fall asleep.

2006-06-22T20:20:00.000-04:00

1. Lie down.
2. Close eyes.
3. Wait.

Banana.

2006-06-21T20:21:00.000-04:00

1. Remove peel, gradually or all at once.
2. Eat fruit.

Rubber band.

2006-06-20T22:51:00.000-04:00

1. Hold one end of rubber band between thumb and forefinger of one hand.
2. Loop opposite end of rubber band around thumb of other hand, extending corresponding arm away from body.
3. Draw first hand back toward body.
4. Release hold on close end of rubber band by separating thumb and forefinger.

Boat.

2006-06-19T23:04:00.000-04:00

1. Row your boat downstream, gently at first, then merrily.
2. When finished, row your boat ashore.

How to grow a beard.

2006-06-18T20:17:00.000-04:00

Do not shave.

Pencil.

2006-06-17T22:30:00.000-04:00

1. Hold pencil in hand (of your choice).
2. Press end of pencil onto surface to be marked.
3. Move hand at will.

Troubleshooting: If no marks appear on surface to be marked, you might need to sharpen the pencil. If marks disappear from the surface, turn the pencil around.

Elevator (inside).

2006-06-16T22:59:00.000-04:00

Push the button showing the number of the floor you want to travel to. Do not push buttons with numbers that add up to the number of the floor you want. (Example: to get to the eighth floor, press "8", not "1" and "7," nor "4" twice.)

Bookmark.

2006-06-15T23:10:00.000-04:00

1. When finished reading a book or other bound printed matter for the time being, place bookmark between last page read (if even-numbered) and next page, otherwise between the two pages following the last page read.
2. When ready to read more in the same volume, use bookmark to remind you where to begin again.
3. Remove bookmark before you resume reading.
4. Bookmark may be used more than once.

Doorbell.

2006-06-14T00:00:00.000-04:00

Push to operate.

Doorknob.

2006-06-13T00:00:00.000-04:00

Turn to operate.

Ball.

2006-06-12T00:00:00.000-04:00

1. Throw.
or
1. Catch.
or
1. Bounce.
or
1. Kick.
or
1. Roll.

Drawer.

2006-06-11T22:27:00.000-04:00

1. Pull drawer open.
2. Place in drawer item to be stored.
3. Push drawer closed.

Note: To retrieve a stored item, DO NOT reverse directions. Instead, follow directions in order; when you reach Step 2, remove item from drawer. Continue to Step 3.

How to make a fist.

2006-06-10T00:00:00.000-04:00

Close hand tightly with fingers doubled into the palm and thumb bent across the fingers.

Sock.

2006-06-09T21:02:00.000-04:00

Every sock has a closed end and an open end. Select a sock and locate its open end. Insert foot into the open end until your toes reach the closed end. Repeat as necessary with a new sock and a different foot.

Little Match Girl.

2006-06-08T22:18:00.000-04:00

WARNING: May become very cold.

Match.

2006-06-07T20:19:00.000-04:00

WARNING: May become hot.

Tree.

2006-06-06T20:17:00.000-04:00

1. Climb.

Fork.

2006-06-05T19:57:00.000-04:00

1. Grasp in hand.
2. Pierce food with tines.
3. Lift to mouth.
4. Remove food with teeth.
5. Repeat as necessary.